I Don’t Need Saving, but Thank You

Written by UNIFI member Mandy Paris

I was never disposed toward a life of faith. My mother was very young when she had me, single, and living in a homeless shelter during a Massachusetts winter. There were more important things to take care of than being devout.

I don't know if she prayed or not, I don't remember those days and I've never really asked. My first memory is of waking up at the age of two in my grandma's house, where my mother and I had gone to live. I remember looking at leather saddle shoes, a my-size plastic yellow chair, a teddy bear. I was in my own room, with my own bed and a clean carpet. I did not understand then how much I should appreciate those things, and it would be a long time until I did.

In the short time I lived in my grandma's house with my mother, there were hurried attempts to teach me about God. My grandma especially insisted I attend church with her and she would sit with me and have me do the rosary. She thought she was doing something good for me, but all I remember from church is the music-- and in truth, I still sometimes get hymns like "Glory to God in the Highest" stuck in my head. I remember being bored, impatient, having to pee, and wishing I had a fun hat like the woman in front of me. I always thought it was a joke when you had to turn to your neighbor, shake their hand and say, "Peace be with you." Sometimes I'd say "Peas be with you!" but nobody ever caught on.

Later, when I was a self-recognized and vocal atheist in my teens, my mother would tell me that she should have taken me to church more when I was young, that it was her fault I didn't believe in God or Jesus. I don't agree with that. The more active I was forced to be with religion, the more my disdain for it grew. It was controlling in every way it could manage and the stories they told me were never believable. Because my mother taught me to think critically, I believe to dive further into Catholicism would only have made my contempt for it stronger, and I would have been much more militant about my beliefs (or lack thereof).

I didn't know the idea of "atheism" even existed until my mother met and married my step father. I had no idea that believing what I had been taught could be "opted out of", so to speak. And I spent several years thinking about it. In this time, I learned about the first amendment and was adamant about separation of church and state. When I was eight and my fourth grade teacher played a video about Jesus on Easter, I told her that it was illegal and I was calling my mother on her. I told her that Thomas Jefferson would be very angry. It's sort of funny now, but at the time it was very frustrating: she laughed. This laughter and disinterestedness was one of many instances that made me lose respect for the general population of believers.

My two little brothers were diagnosed with Autism when I was ten, and I officially began calling myself an atheist when I was eleven. It isn't out of the question to consider the two events somewhat related, but when I'm told that God works in mysterious ways or that he is simply testing me, I must protest. My brothers should not be subjected to Autism because God wants to test me. That makes no sense, and if that's really what God does than He is not a God worth believing in. My brother Peter has had a very hard time in school, socially especially. My brother Charlie is mentally challenged, and my family has been the butt of plenty of retard jokes when we go out into public.

Anyway, when I told my family, it was more my mother and grandma. I remember standing on a black and white kitchen floor, leaning against a wall and saying aloud, "I'm an atheist" to them. A lot of questions followed, to see if I had thought about it, to understand why I felt this way. My reasons are much like any other atheists...it just didn't make sense to me, I couldn't logically justify any belief in God, shit in the world was too bad for there to be an all-loving God, his followers leave a bad taste in my mouth, whatever. But during this conversation, it was suggested to me that I should believe in God "just in case".

This is offensive to me. I remember the question very well and I remember the revulsion it caused me. Believe in God just in case? No. Precisely because that's why people believe in God. It makes no sense. There is no logic, there is no evidence, there is nothing there except for coincidences people perceive as miracles and positive reinforcement in prayer when 1/50 things you pray for happens. People believe in God, fundamentally, because death is terrifying. I went through a ten year period where panic attacks kept me up at night because I was so scared of death without an afterlife. But I would never believe "just in case", even if I had the power to make myself do that. I would never believe to soothe myself. Simply, I cannot. Every part of me repels the idea, and if that is why you are a person of faith then I would recommend taking a second look at why you believe what you believe.

I've never been a loud atheist. Most of my friends are atheists, and some are more vocal than others, but I've always been content to live and let live. However, I'll lay it out here.

Yes, I think the idea of believing in God is ridiculous, and yes, I think I have more courage than you for being an atheist. Death is scary. Living on this planet with no special purpose is depressing. Understanding that you are only as important, or perhaps less so, than a bumblebee is offensive. Our purpose here is fantasized. I've always thought that, and it took me a long time to accept it, but now that I have, I feel liberated. I'm content with my place in this world, and to speak to me as if you understand something I don't and you want to show me the way is only mocking towards me and it wont work. You can ask me why and I can give you scores of anecdotal reasons. My life has been hard, but I don't think it's weak to reject the idea of a god-- on the contrary, I think surviving what I have thus far in my life without a religion to fall back on makes me a much stronger person.

Basically, I don't want to be saved, and when you feel the need to condescend yourself to my level and tell me about the grace of God, please don't. I am very happy as an atheist, and I enjoy the strength it gives me.