Atheism and Me

Guest blog post from UNIFI Director of Outreach Stef McGraw

I'm being impulsive in writing this. I have no idea why, but for some reason I feel the need to write out what I'm thinking at the moment. This will probably be one of those instances where I write something, then look back on it and regret it. For that reason I'm not tagging anyone in this. If you stumbled upon it, thanks for creeping me :p

I'll just say it: I want to believe in God. I want a higher power to watch over me, to make life worth living in times where it doesn't seem worth it. I want to have the glorious feeling of God within me that I have heard of so often, yet have never felt. I WANT. But do I believe? No, I don't. Some would say, "If you want to believe this, then why don't you just believe?" It's the deeper question within that simpler question that has been troubling me: Why do we believe what we believe? I have been pondering this a lot lately. I could be very wrong, but it seems to me that many people believe what they believe because that is what they WANT to believe. I can't help but think that this is not a good enough reason. Those who openly admit to picking and choosing what they find to be true in the bible are believing what they want to believe. And while I appreciate some picking and choosing (thank you pro-gay rights Christians!), most of it just seems so hypocritical. Most people do not believe 1 Timothy 2:12 (I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent) to have much bearing, but I have heard the justification for me going to hell to be "because the bible says so". But if people believe what they want from the bible, then why would one condemn a good person to eternal suffering? Why do they WANT to believe that? I just don't get it, and it frustrates me that I seem to choose what I believe based mostly on science and reason.

Even though I want to believe in God, I don't because I know that I would be lying to myself if I claimed I did. The bible is so desperately flawed, for both moral and scientific reasons, that there is no way in good conscience that I could claim to follow this book. I believe what I believe based on what I THINK is true, not what I WANT to be true. To me, this is how it should be for everyone; decisions should be made based on fact and not faith. But I really do envy those who get the best of both worlds, and what they really think to be true just so happens to be what they want to be true.

For this and many other reasons, I'm finding it hard to be an open atheist. It's not just the criticism, the judging, or the way people tend to automatically assume you are Christian; it's the envy I feel for those who have it so easy, who believe that their life always has a purpose, that someone is always watching out for them, and that when a loved one dies, they will get to see them again. I know all this shouldn't matter and that I should just be content living for the sake of loving life, but I'm human, and at times that just doesn't seem to be enough. I value human life, but I sometimes want to believe it to be sacred for supernatural reasons because for some reason it almost makes me feel like a better person. It puts humanity on a higher level than the rest of nature, which gives a sense of a greater purpose in life than to just live it.

Writing this is making me sad and confused, so I'm going to stop for now.

My final thought: I am an atheist. I do not believe there is a God. Some would say I'm an agnostic atheist because I think there is the possibility that there is one, not in the form of the Judeo-Christian God, but in the form of some other force that somehow created the universe and connects the universe together. Again, I don't necessarily believe this to be true for sure, but I'm open to the possibility of it. At times, I love being an atheist and feel that science and reason are reassuring enough for me to contently live my life. At other times, I long for something more and I WANT to believe something else is out there, but i DON'T. And that is precisely what troubles me.