Thursdays with Seth #10: FOCUS ON THE FAMILY!

WELCOME!
To the tenth installment of Thursdays with Seth! This is a particularly special Thursdays with Seth post since it's the tenth one. To celebrate, we'll kick this bitch off with some fireworks, and then we'll dive right into the topic of the day: douchebags pretending not to be douchebags.

FIREWORKS!

Okay. Let's begin.

COME ON.
This won't be your usual novel-length Thursdays with Seth post, as my hands are about to fall off due to my final exams. However, something has been pissing me off lately, and that is people who are douchebags pretending not to be douchebags. You know the ones I'm talking about.

I'm talking about people who create a group, organization, or piece of legislature that is clearly designed to oppress others, and then they give it a name like "Focus on the Family." Maybe it's time we start calling out the bullshit here. Here are some things I would like to see happen.

Focus on the family should:

• Campaign against divorce. Families splitting up is one of the leading causes of families splitting up, after all. If divorce were illegal, we wouldn't have so many divorces, and everyone would be perfectly happily married.
• Mandate marriage. It doesn't particularly matter who you marry (as long as they aren't the same gender as you); what matters is that you get married. Because we all know that families are the most important thing in the whole goddamn world, and there is no such thing as a family without marriage between a man and a woman. Two people raising children, for instance, is not a family. It's only a family if Jesus says so, and Jesus only says so if a priest signs a piece of paper after throwing a party. So let's get mandatory marriages by age 20. If you aren't married by then, we put you in a big pool of names and randomly draw out of a hat. Hooray!
• Mandate pregnancy. If you are a woman and aren't pregnant by the age of 21 (you get one year to be married without kids -- we can't be wasting time here), then you will be impregnated by the U.S. government. The government will select the most fanatically (I mean fantastically) Christian men they can find and force them to donate sperm every three days, allowing the U.S. government to harvest it and forcefully impregnate deviant women. Because without Jesus-sanctioned marriages that lead to childbirth, society as we know it would come apart at the seams. The seams of society are presumably somewhere in Texas.
• Chastity Belts. Keep those teenagers from humping each other! Just telling them not to apparently doesn't work for some reason, so we'll have to bolt a metal plate over their genitals. Don't worry; it's both safe and hygienic! And further, we should probably remove all forms of sex education, including abstinence only. We should illegalize speaking about sex in public, just to make sure nobody knows it exists. And then, just to be safe, let's require all women to cover themselves from head to toe (to reduce the chance that men may have lustful thoughts, which could lead to the destruction of the family unit).
  

Bam! Now that really embodies what Focus on the Family is about. These douchebags are spreading misinformation about homosexuality, lying about abstinence and sex education, and actively advocating and working toward oppression of a group that makes up around 8-9% of the U.S. population. These dicks don't focus on the family at all. They focus on being dicks. So I recommend that we petition Focus on the Family to rename itself "Focus on Being Assholes."