WELCOME!
To the first installment of Christmas Morning with Seth! I postponed my Thursday post so that I could have the pleasure of posting on that famous Consumer holiday, Christmas. This morning, you will have the pleasure of learning the story behind Christmas and its true meaning. Let's begin!
CHAPTER ONE!
Jesus Christ arrived in New York at daybreak. As he dismounted his black steed, Wallace, he was approached by a familiar face.
"Well met, Jesus Christ," said the fat man in the red jumpsuit. "I trust the encounter went as planned? Where are your disciples?"
"Not exactly," said Jesus, shifting the weight of his armor. "We were tricked. We were ready and waiting in Philadelphia, as instructed by our scouts, but the elves never came."
"But that means..." The fat man had a panicked look in his twinkly eyes.
"Yes. They diverted their march toward Washington. Santa, if we are going to win this war, we need to know who we can trust. We can't afford mistakes like this again. We are down to the wire." Jesus pulled out his grenade launcher and loaded several rounds. "I need you with me now. My disciples are already on the way. We will meet them and prepare for battle."
"Aye," said Santa. "Those pointy-eared bastards will never know what hit them. If they think they can just march in and promote communism by freely distributing toys to the children of America, well, they've got another thing coming."
"Damn right."
CHAPTER TWO!
Jesus and Santa arrived just outside Washington, D.C. after riding all night.
"Where are your disciples? They should have been here by now." Santa looked around, bewildered.
"Yes, they should have," Jesus mumbled under his breath. "Be alert." Jesus and Santa slowly cruised through the city, nearing the Washington Monument. An eerie calm filled the air. "Something is..." Before he could finish his sentence, Jesus saw his disciples. Parts of them, anyway. They had been blown to bits at the foot of the Washington Monument.
Santa caught up with Jesus. "Jesus Christ, how could they have done this?"
"I don't know. My disciples... were the most elite combat force in the world. An army of toy-making magical midgets should have been child's play to them. Those little bastards must have brought in outside help. Stay on your toes."
A voice broke the still air behind them. "How astute of you."
CHAPTER THREE!
Jesus and Santa turned around to see a reindeer looking at them. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rudolph. I am a red-nosed reindeer, and I have a shiny nose. Some even say... it glows." His nose was, in fact, emanating an odd fluorescent red glow. "But I am not here to talk about my odd mutation. I am here to discuss our current predicament."
Jesus shouldered his grenade launcher. "Did you do this to my disciples?"
Rudolph laughed, slightly straining under the weight of the missile launcher mounted to his back. "Yes, I did. It was almost too easy. Like lambs to the slaughter, really. You should do a better job of watching after your flock, Mr. Christ."
"You son of a --" Before Jesus could finish his thought, Santa leapt through the air, katana in hand, charging at Rudolph.
The reindeer fired off thirty salvos of missiles at Santa, but the fat, jolly man was just too fast. He dodged and twisted and just kept coming. Rudolph turned to run, but Santa was too fast. Suddenly, the reindeer lifted off the ground and began to fly. Santa managed to catch a hoof and was carried up into the clouds. Jesus squinted into the sky but lost sight of them. He shrugged. "Back to the task at hand." It was now between Jesus and an army of four hundred thousand elves.
"Let's do this."TO BE CONTINUED... NEXT CHRISTMAS?
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